It’s nearing the end of the month. The money you have earned from closing the tab containing your Twitter account every time your boss walks past is slowly running out. You have just enough packet noodles and Uncle Ben’s rice to last you until pay day when you can go out and spend a third of your money on M&S food, sambuca shots, and a dress that you think could change your life.
There is just £10 in your account. Your mother would tell you to keep it for emergencies, or maybe put it towards that hefty student overdraft you’ve still not paid off, or perhaps put it into your pension fund, or you could restart saving for a mortgage after you spent all that money ‘travelling’.
Continue reading “A List of Things You Should Spend Your Last Tenner on”
I’m a shit friend.
I have some of the most beautiful, generous, incredibly talented, fabulous, indecently perfect friends that a person could wish for, but lord knows why they are still friends with me.
Continue reading “The Passable Friend”
If there is one thing that will destroy your self esteem once and for all it is being thrown back into your old single bed in your parents house after living independently for a few years.
The mattress that was so hard to leave during the mornings of your teenage years now feels lumpy and uncomfortable, even though you’ve been living in cheaply furnished rented accommodation in far more uncomfortable beds. But still with every toss and turn you feel that jolt of fear as you nearly fall off the side for the fourth time that night.
Continue reading “Moving Home”
The world sucks.
No, really. It sucks. And if you have the chance to live in some kind of sensory deprivation tank or just in a pod in Space floating about eating Pringles, then take that chance, because the world sucks.
Continue reading “Failing Like An Adult”
For part 1 click here.
For part 2 click here.
Obstacle 3: Who pays.
By far the most awkward part of any dinner, deciding who is footing the bill, whether you are splitting equally, or paying for exactly what you each had. As well as considering who you are with you should also consider what you ate. It’s really only cool to be the one suggesting an equal split if you had a side salad and water and the other person had a 18oz steak and a bottle of red. The other way round is a pisstake.
Continue reading “How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 3)”
Here is part 2 of your guide to eating dinner with other adults. For the first part, please click these words.
Obstacle 2: Conversation
The truly passable among us probably practise their conversations before they have them. This avoids awkward silences and strange, under pressure outbursts of madness. A few topics of conversation off the table in any given situation; UTIs, where you can buy acid strong enough to dissolve bones, loving UKIP, pubic hair topiary, racism (unless to condemn it) and Nicholas Cage films.
Here are a few things you can talk about,
Continue reading “How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 2)”
The hope is that by your early 20’s the spoon/aeroplane method has taken full effect and you are now aware how to put food into your mouth, chew and swallow.
What we are not taught is how to go to Sainsburys regularly enough to make sure there is food in the house when you are hungover and unable to venture out into
the cold, blinding light of the day time. For this I totally blame the aeroplane method, I often look in my fridge, realise there is nothing there and leave it expecting something tasty to zoom through the sky and parachute into my kitchen and/or mouth.
Continue reading “How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 1)”