10 Steps to Launching a New Blog

fgvxxvxmti8-andrew-neelI’ve been blogging for nearly four years now, in that time it has done a great job of launching my career as a failed, struggling, penniless journalist. It also helped me forge a beautifully short lived stint as a crap copywriter and I am hoping that this new blog it might assist in me becoming a mediocre, lampooned and much criticised book writerer.

This blog will be all about how to stumble through adult life, falling at every hurdle, but eventually face-planting the finish line mostly not dead. What better way to kick off than a 10 step guide to launching a really shitty blog?

Step 1

As most pretend writers know, the best place to write is in bed, after you have spent all day falling through the Youtube rabbit hole. It especially helps if you are still wearing yesterday’s pants, haven’t brushed your hair and are suppressing hunger pangs because getting out of bed to go to the kitchen was just a bridge too far.

Many people will argue it’s not healthy to stay in bed all day, but those people are not writers and do not understand what the smell of your own body odour can do to your creativity. Do not trust these people.

Step 2

Procrastinate. If you want to start a really good blog, you need to procrastinate for at least 4 months. This is a long time to spend in bed though, so maybe just procrastinate until it starts going dark outside and you realise you have wasted a whole day.

Step 3

Try to design a logo using paint, realise how terrible that looks and contact graphic designer friends who will laugh at you for all the times you said they job was so cool because it was easy.

Step 4

Eventually, and completely by accident, design something that looks just about okay.

Step 5

Finally give in to the hunger and end up eating a tin of cold sweetcorn, a bit of cheese you found in the back of the fridge and nine custard creams.

Step 6

Think about ways you can introduce your new blog. You want to start with something that isn’t too alien, but also don’t want to do a super boring intro that nobody will care about. Try and go for something that will be accessible and also likely to be shared by more successful friends that may take pity on your pathetic attempt at living.

Step 7

Write something that is scathing, a vague attempt at humour and full of self loathing. People are rarely threatened by your creative genius if you appear to be really terrible at being a creative genius. I learnt that from Kanye.

Step 8

Start social media accounts with that terrible logo you designed earlier. Pretend that these social media accounts haven’t already existed for 3 months with nobody following them.

Step 9 

Share your new attempt at blogging with friends, family and the internet world.

Step 10

Wait for inevitable failure, but remember there’s still custard creams in the cupboard.

 

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