The idea of The Cool Girl is not new. You have probably seen 3 different posts today on her non-existence, or that she is an idea that we create to just knock women straight back down later on. We even have an entire film dedicated to the concept of her in the shape of Gone Girl. I’m not going to write about The Cool Girl today, partly because I don’t think that struggling with being cool is gender specific, but mostly because The Cool Girl is no longer cool.
What I am going to teach you is how to be passably cool, which is a concept based
around The Cool Girl, sort of…well only to the extent that being cool is a myth and is just basically faking it for a little bit and then hiding your really uncool parts from the prying eyes of others.
And what qualifies me for this? Am I cool? No. I’m absolutely the opposite of cool, but I do have a really uncool habit of staring at other people in the streets and I’ve witnessed what I believe to be cool behaviour. Either that or they are aliens or perhaps walking perfume adverts; which brings me on to our first step.
Step 1 – Smell really good.
I can’t work out if this is a natural thing, or just because cool people are cool enough to get really great jobs and can afford a higher class of perfume or aftershave. A cool person did once tell me that they had worked out that their natural scent was lemons, which is probably what Beyonce smells like. My natural scent is probably something really uncool, like chickpea.
So step 1 to being passably cool is to roll around in a big bath full of lemons. I advise getting the unwaxed ones, because I once read something about them being better in a Nigella cook book.
Step 2 – Don’t care.
Back in 2008, Fall Out Boy, who were the pinnacle of cool (Don’t argue, they were), released a song called I Don’t Care. I knew from that moment that being cool was about not caring about what other people thought. The cool kids in school were always the ones in slouchy uniform, who never did their homework because they just didn’t care. The cool people now are breezy, balls of fun, skipping around the world like nobody is watching – they don’t care. The cool people are the ones that don’t get into angry Twitter rants or have public meltdowns. Cool people never admit that they are nervous before a first date, they just go with that “next big adventure”.
In order to be passably cool, my advice is to destroy all of your feelings, until you no longer feel any kind of emotion. You can do this by watching Marley & Me 3 times in a row until you have cried all of your emotion out.
Step 3 – Care about cool stuff.
Oh. Well okay then.
There are a breed of cool people that do care about stuff. Usually it’s animals or trees or life or some other weird stuff. Except when they care about this stuff they somehow manage to do it with dignity rather than tweeting Katie Hopkins twice a day just saying “YOU ARE A REALLY AWFUL PERSON” whilst doing that crying where you produce snot bubbles that are somehow impossible to wipe away. That’s another thing cool people do better, crying. Just 3 tears and a sad smile.
Do Step 2 anyway, but then once all your emotions are destroyed, relearn them. Like a robot might do.
Step 4 – Just be great at everything.
My top tip, favourite tip, star tip of the week is this. Just be great at stuff. People respect that and in turn, respect you. Then, you reach the lofty heights of ‘cool’.
I’ve no idea how you achieve this one, so I dunno, just try? …but not too hard…that’s not cool.
Step 5 – Have niche enough cultural references that only some people know what you are talking about.
Our final tip is to remove all conscious thought towards what you might like or dislike. You don’t get a choice anymore, because chances are if you have gone your whole life being uncool you don’t actually like what you like.
Some cool people get to set the barometer for what is good and what is bad. For example, earlier when I said Fall Out Boy were cool in 2008, cool people would disagree. In order to be accepted into the world of being cool, you must first learn what are the right things to like. Generally it’s not stuff that everyone likes. The closest we ever get to finding out is the NME cool list, but I’m reliably informed that NME is no longer cool since it became free and super accessible.
I think the official list is held in the Tower of London with the Queen’s hats and all the other stuff that is important to Britain like David Attenborough and the 1st set of Harry Potter books. Until you can get up there to see the list of cool stuff, I advise just nodding near cool people, they will eventually invite you into the fold for agreeing with them.
So there you have it. A guide to being passably cool. I’ve asked my Mum and I’m definitely cool, so I’m an authority on the matter.