There are 3 obvious signs of a high functioning, successful adult who has a confident grip on their own life. It is like a triangle of impressiveness, and if you have managed it, or even scraped by with 2 of them then you don’t need this blog and should probably just get out my face.
Most people talk about the big 3 of adulthood being marriage, kids and a mortgage, but I know plenty of people with these things that are 1. Not actually ready for those things and 2. Still very passably adult. The 3 signs are actually seemingly a lot more achievable, but also at the same time a far distant hope that some of us may never master. This blog shows you how to do the bare minimum and stay alive.
Number 1 – Finding a hairdresser
It is likely that since a young age you have had the same hairdresser or barber. It may have been the one your parents went to and you ended up in by default, or it may be one you chose yourself and have trusted with your follicles throughout your teenage years. However what tends to happen when we reach adulthood is that we move away from our families and the area we grew up in, suffering the huge loss of our hairdressers. It is a bereavement like no other.
For years I have been unable to find a suitable replacement for my hairdresser. There is no one who talks me out of drastic Mohicans or knows just how to deal with the kinks in my fringe like she does. So here is the passable solution to finding a replacement – Don’t.
Chances are you will revisit the area your trusty scissorhanded friend lives in, so just bide your time. As my feminist sisters Elaine and Annie from Frozen sing, let it grow.
Real adults will have a trusted hairdresser in practically every city, town and village they visit, but we’re not trying to be real adults. We just want to pass. So wait until you return to the one with the golden clippers, and in the mean time do a Britney circa 2007 and if it’s really desperate hack off a sizeable amount of hair whilst weeping into a mirror and drinking red wine through a straw.
Number 2 – Finding a Dentist
Dentists are a scam. They are a money making machine, designed to trick you into purchasing as many magical tooth liquids as possible. They pretend that tooth string is super crucial, but it’s all a LIE. And don’t get me started on the amount of toothpaste available all claiming to do something amazing but different to the other one…JUST PUT IT ALL IN ONE SQUEEZABLE TUBE.
Anyway, yeah. Dentists are a scam and a trick, until you need one. Then dentists become the life blood and saviours of our sugar built society.
Unfortunately even NHS dentists are expensive (especially if you are living the life of a passable adult and are scraping by on just enough money to fund your eyebrows) which means you might be tempted to avoid going for many years but toothache will probably cause you more pain than going without M&S avocados for a month.
Real adults will pay gazillions of pounds a month to be first in the queue for the dentist and buy that toothpaste that costs a tenner. They will probably see a hygienist every 6 months and wear a mouth guard at night.
To be passably adult, get yourself an NHS dentist, buy the toothpaste that’s on offer and make sure you have a good stock of ibuprofen (or valium) just in case it hurts and your dentist won’t see you for a month because you are NHS scum.
Number 3 – Finding a Doctor
The reason you don’t have a doctor yet is simple, because usually the doctor will tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, despite Google telling you that you had a brain tumour after you searched “Why does my left eye do a twitchy thing?”.
In the UK we are hella hashtag blessed because we have this kickass free health service called the NHS (well, for now – goddamn Tories) it seems rude not to use it, but chances are if you are terrible adult you don’t (or if you are really terrible you use it too much and for stupid stuff caused by stupid behaviour like drinking yourself into oblivion for a LAD Bible post – Stop that).
If you are a proper grown up you probably have a Doctor’s surgery, be on first name terms with Janet on reception, and call the doctor when you need to without spending an hour staring at your phone practising how to say “Hello”.
Being a passable adult may seem like it’s about being a shitty terrible adult, but it’s actually about doing just enough so you don’t die, so seeing the doctor is probably quite important. I suggest you at the very least register with a Doctor, if only for free contraception because having a baby will be sooooo much work.
Google is both your friend and your enemy. It may save you from a bout of phone anxiety, so go for a Google, but if it says you are going to die because you have fluorescent urine first consider whether it may be the Berocca you had this morning.
Oh and eat more apples.
There you have it. The holy trinity of adulthood – but for the distinctly passable.