The hope is that by your early 20’s the spoon/aeroplane method has taken full effect and you are now aware how to put food into your mouth, chew and swallow.
What we are not taught is how to go to Sainsburys regularly enough to make sure there is food in the house when you are hungover and unable to venture out into
the cold, blinding light of the day time. For this I totally blame the aeroplane method, I often look in my fridge, realise there is nothing there and leave it expecting something tasty to zoom through the sky and parachute into my kitchen and/or mouth.
We won’t learn about how to buy food or the frequency of buying food today, instead today our ‘How to:’ is how about how to go to dinner with successful adults when you are not so successful at passing as an adult. The following lesson is split into 3 parts.
To start off you need to identify the different types of adult you may end up in a restaurant with. Depending on their status and relationship to you, your experience will vary.
- A friend of equal passable-ness to you
- A successful friend
- A date
- An employer
- An older family member
- A more successful sibling
- A less successful sibling
- A friend you have never hung out with alone but they were the only person free when you addressed your group of friends wishing to hang out.
Obstacle number 1: Choosing a restaurant
Choosing a restaurant is a massive problem for various reasons. If you are truly a passable adult then you are likely to earn just enough money every month to cover your rent, bills, credit card and one night of drinking 8 bottles of Prosecco, then live on generic brand Ryvita for 3 and a half weeks. Price is everything. You might also need to consider dietary requirements, but providing nobody is going to have their face blow up until they look like a lobster then dietary requirements can be ignored.
- A friend of equal passable-ness to you: The answer is always Wetherspoons. Not only are the prices friendly, but the system of paying at the bar rules out any awkward discussion over who pays what.
- A successful friend: Try to pick somewhere cool, independent and full of hipsters. Not only will the atmosphere and decor impress your more successful friend, but hipsters have no money, so you are likely to be able to afford it if you end up paying your half.
- A date: See above.
- An employer: Let them pick. Chances are they already will have to maintain control.
- An older family member: A fancy pub. Chances are your older family member won’t be into tapas or Japanese food. Choose somewhere they can eat something they will be familiar with, but they will probably pay so you are safe choosing something a little pricier than normal.
- A more successful sibling: Tapas or Japanese food. Probably pricier than you would pay normally, but your successful sibling will handle that, and they are likely to be looking for something a little more snazzy.
- A less successful sibling: Take them to Nandos. You are probably going to be paying.
- A friend you have never hung out with alone but they were the only person free when you addressed your group of friends wishing to hang out: If it’s the daytime, you are in luck. Coffee is less informal and a much easier ice breaker with this awkward encounter. If it’s night time you are screwed, pretend you had a violent, sudden migraine and never ask that question in a group message again.