The Passable Friend

I’m a shit friend.

Really shit.

I have some of the most beautiful, generous, incredibly talented, fabulous, indecently perfect friends that a person could wish for, but lord knows why they are still friends with me.

I forget to message back all the time, or pretend I forgot but really just didn’t have the energy to think of sentences to reply with. But guess what happens if you don’t reply to me? I will send ONE THOUSAND messages. I will message you on every platform I can find you on. I will ring your mum. I will send a flock of carrier pigeons each with a different letter that will eventually spell out L.O.V.E M.E P.L.E.A.S.E!!!!

A great big unhealthy dollop of anxiety in my life means that I panic about replying to messages in case I say something stupid, or I somehow set fire to our friendship just by sending 4 emojis. That same deliciously debilitating anxiety means that if someone doesn’t reply to me, I automatically remember all of the reasons why it is utter madness that people allow me the warm embrace of friendship. A missed reply builds up in my head to slowly become visions of you trying to drown me in a lake shouting “YOU ARE THE WORST HUMAN BEING I KNOW”.

There are the most sparkly, golden human beings in my life that never ever forget my birthday and even the even more glittery ones that buy surprise presents “Just because”.

I am SO BAD at reciprocating! This is partly because I am eternally poor and usually spend my last £1.30 on deodorant to stop myself becoming the ‘smelly one’ and falling even further out of favour with my friends, but it is also because I freak out at the idea of birthday parties where I don’t know absolutely everyone.

I owe so many presents, and one day when I have somehow accidentally become a millionaire because people want to pay me for that dogshit personality of mine, I fully expect to shower my friends in rubies. Even if they don’t want a ruby, they are getting a ruby. I have a list full of people that are getting rubies.

Recently I have moved far away from the majority of my friends, which has made me even worse than usual. A whole bunch of unanswered Facebook event invites weigh heavily on my mind during that time just before you fall asleep when you remember everything awful about yourself.

But know this, friends, I am SO TITTING GRATEFUL TO HAVE HUMAN BEINGS THAT LIKE TO SHARE THE SAME AIR SPACE AS ME SOME OF THE TIME!!!!!

I owe you all rubies.

 

 

 

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