How to be a Passable Adult in Public

I’m a visual learner. I learn best when I am watching others and copying, or by seeing how something works before I try. This is why I spend a great deal of time people watching, or more specifically, adult watching. I’m observing how the real adults are managing to keep their shit together so that I can copy them and replicate it in my own passable way.

You can often find adults lurking about in shopping centres, coffee shops and doctors surgeries. The best way to observe is from afar, however you may well know some adults that you can observe by becoming friends with them.

One of my first observations that I had was that all adults are walking upright. This was honestly a great help because I spend a lot of time around dogs and sometimes I forget I am not canine myself. So useful tip, is walk on 2 legs, not hands and knees.

Clothes is also a good indicator. Most real adults that I observed didn’t live in t-shirts and leggings, they wore real clothes with buttons, pockets, collars and tailoring. It is my belief that these adults are pretending to be comfortable in these awfully restrictive looking clothes, and this seemed a bit much for me. In order to replicate, I decided that if I stayed indoors more then I could keep wearing t-shirts that had toothpaste stains on, and leggings with holes in the crotch. To counter this, brief periods of dress and uncomfortable tights wearing will be needed, but remember, if you put your pyjamas on at 2pm and you’ve already been dressed that day, they are counted as ‘loungewear’ not pyjamas.

When I get a little closer to the adults I am watching there are two very important lessons to learn. The first is that they generally smell good. To be fair, I have this one on lock. A couple of weeks back my pesto pasta leaked in my bag and since then everything I own smells faintly like olive oil and nuts. It’s a really tasty smell and it follows me everywhere.

The second thing you find when up close with adults is the conversations that they have. I’ve picked up on a few buzz words like “Mortgage”, “Savings” and “Full time job”. I have no idea what these strange words mean, however here is a typical adult conversation that I have pieced together for you. This conversation is likely to have taken place over brunch with one quiet baby bouncing neatly on a knee and everyone will have hair like Andy Murray’s wife.

 

Sarah: Yes, and of course, John is now Executive Chief of Excel Spreadsheets so we should be able to pay off the mortgage in about 2.5 million years, rather than the 3 million years it was going to take.

Jessica: Oh fantastic! Well me and Martin are taking a babymoon before little Olivia comes along. We’ve pushed back having the new carpet though, just in case I contract and dilate all over the floor.

Sarah: Yes, that happens all the time. Loads of blood and mucus and poop just falls out when you are pregnant so new carpets are a must. How is wedding planning, Laura?

Laura: It’s fabulous, we are on track to spend around about the same as the national debt of Greece. I’ve planned the tables, and which people are allowed to talk to whom, and when they can all take bathroom breaks, and made sure that the sad single ones leave before they can get drunk and have fun. Would you like to see my dress?

Sarah + Jessica: Unintelligible squealing

 

I suppose my first question is, what in the living fuck is a babymoon?! But anyway, I tried replicating this conversation at the pub with a friend.

 

Me: I’ve got this banging mortgage. It’s subprime and everything. It looks tasty as fuck.

Friend: What are you talking about? You couldn’t afford milk last week? I had to buy this wine…You work 20 hours a week!

Me: I got it on babymoon. Would you like some? It’s probably delicious.

Friend: Delicious?…What?…Do you know what a mortgage is?…Hang on, babymoon?! Did you touch a man?!

Me: A man? No. I’ve not had a date in 7 years…Anyway, let me tell you about my wedding planning. I’ve already spent all my milk money supply on it.

Friend: You need help.

 

Sadly adult observation does require you leaving the house. I tried looking up some videos sat on the sofa covered in dogs, and whilst Googling “Adult films” did teach me a lot, I’m not certain I’ve seen other people doing that in public.

Advertisements

One thought on “How to be a Passable Adult in Public

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s