There are a couple of things to remember when you are cooking hungover: keep it carb based, include lots of salt, and if you think there is enough cheese you are wrong and should add more. If possible, aforementioned cheese needs to be melted. This is pretty much the same no matter what you have been drinking the night before, with the exception of whiskey because whiskey is an evil drink and you won’t be alive to cook.
Hangover food is usually quite similar to drunk food, except drunk food comes with a lot less guilt and the calories don’t count. If it is food that you would normally consider to be unhealthy, then it will be good for you when drunk or hungover. That’s a rule, and I think that Plato probably came up with it – the Greeks loved a drink back in the day.
It is important to keep your cupboards and fridge stocked with food and drinks that can cure your hangover. I advise always buying a box of orange juice before a night on the town, and always making sure you are stocked up with carbs and cheese.
The correct course of action when you are hungover is to order a takeaway, but in this situation you have to grapple with getting dressed to answer the door, and, even worse, you have to deal with human interaction. This is not ideal on a hangover day, as you should preferably only communicate in grunts and moans. So it’s better to learn how to cook proper hangover food to revive you in times of need.
First, the cardinal rule of hangover food is that it must be eaten from a bowl. Bowl food is the ultimate food, because it is a lot easier to cradle on your lap whilst binging on Game of Thrones and burying yourself in blankets. It also avoids spillage.
So if you can’t face answering the door to a delivery driver who is silently judging your grey-tinged face and vodka shakes, the next best thing is a jacket potato, beans and cheese mountain.
1 lovely big potato
1 can of beans (if you can get those snap pots that’s even better – less washing up)
All the grated cheese in your local Tesco
Butter or a tasty butter alternative. (Not margarine, that stuff is gross.)
Find your way out from under the duvet, and assess damage to your room. Depending on your relationship status, it may also be advisable to check for strangers you may have acquired. If you find yourself in an unfamiliar room, exiting to find food should be your first priority.
Crawl – yes crawling is important and probably necessary- to your kitchen and locate liquid. Sprite or orange juice are particularly effective remedies.
Recover whilst laying on the floor. You’ve done so well to get this far.
Crawl to cupboard and locate potato. Hold on to it and sob.
Crawl to the oven and turn it on. The heat probably needs to be somewhere between 160C and 200 C. Probably. I don’t know.
Here comes the hard bit. Stand up and with as much strength as you can muster, stab the potato several times with a fork. Don’t worry, you will be rewarded for this effort.
Throw potato in the oven and relax whilst watching Game of Thrones. It will take one and a half episodes for your potato to be cooked.
After one and a half episodes, give your potato a squeeze, if it feels squishy, you are good to go.
Put the potato in a bowl and cut in half. Don’t let anyone tell you to put a cross in the top, they are wrong. Add copious amounts of butter, salt and pepper.
Test gag reflex by opening tin of beans and microwaving. If the gag reflex holds up, great. If it doesn’t, abandon all hope and go back to bed.
Add half of all the cheese in Tesco to the top of your potato. Cover with beans and then add the other half.
Return to sofa and let it engulf you for the next 5-8 hours.