There will be moments in your adult life where people think it’s appropriate to rifle through your cupboards in order to find out more about your lifestyle and how close to death you might well be. These people tend to be visiting mothers, friends who keep mentioning how tired you look and overnight house guests searching for a form of breakfast that isn’t a Nutrigrain bar that you pulled out from under your bed.
Here are 7 items to keep your fridge and/or cupboard (do I look like I know how to store things? I keep Nutrigrains under my bed) stocked up with to trick those nosey little snoopers.
Vitamin Tablets: If something is worth doing, then it is worth cheating at, and vitamin tablets are a very effective cheat. Even better, it’s a great way of reliving your long-missed childhood by buying the chewable ones with cartoons on the front. You get to pretend you are still 6 years old, and get a great big dose of much needed vitamins. If you are a bit rubbish at making sure you remember to eat, or don’t even know how to cook vegetables, then this is a perfect fix.
Avocado: I believe avocado was once on a list of foods that make you live forever, or at least live for a bit longer, I’m not sure… I read a lot of lists. They are a bit horrible the first few times you try them, so don’t skip straight to the worldly treasure that is avocado on toast, unless you are planning to pile eggs and bacon and tomatoes on top of it. Avocados also come with a fun hidden danger, as you never quite know when they are ripe, it’s a bit like a game where the prize is a soft and tasty addition to your toast, and the penalty for losing means resorting to a vitamin tablet for breakfast again.
Potatoes: Potatoes are mad good for you. That’s why Matt Damon lived on them forever, whilst he lived on the moon or whatever happened in that weird film. Plus, at one of those weird weighing clubs where my friends all end up making themselves sad, they say you can eat them all day every day. Apparently, potatoes contain nearly all the nutrients you could ever even dream of needing, I’m fairly certain I read that in a story about a man who lived on just potatoes in Take-a-Break magazine. Potatoes are also super easy to make into something really tasty, like mash or baked potatoes…or vodka! So, don’t quote me on this or anything, but I’m fairly certain that if you are really rubbish at making dinner then vodka will do.
Eggs: It is a well-known fact that eggs benedict is the best food in the world, but poaching eggs is super hard, and though I have never attempted to make a hollandaise sauce, I bet that is pretty challenging, too. However, if you are feeling adventurous and don’t mind actually having to cook something, then eggs are crazily full of protein, which is apparently one of those things that you need to survive. Plus, if you really can’t get the hang of that cooking lark, then you can just claim you had always intended to have scrambled eggs and that’s why they look like that.
Bananas: When I was a kid I was told that all the bananas were going to die out in 5 years, so I started eating them religiously. They didn’t die out. I think it was possibly a ploy to get me to eat more of them, but since then, I have appreciated how great they are. Just one banana can fill you up and contains a whole bunch (ha, get it?) of potassium. However my friend Chloe used to swear blind that her friend’s uncle once ate eight bananas in a row and died. I used to argue that this couldn’t possibly be true, but I have always kept track of my banana intake just in case.
Also, whilst eating a banana in public, avoid eye contact.
Peas: If I could sit and eat just a bowl of garden peas for dinner, I would…well, actually, I am an adult, and I can (and quite often do) just eat a big bowl full of peas for dinner. So maybe all this, “it’s so tough being a grown up” stuff is a little bit over the top? I’m not entirely certain if they are considered a superfood or if they are even that good for you, but they are green and easy to keep in your freezer.
Bread: If you have seen the movie Scott Pilgrim vs the World, then you will know that bread makes you fat. So try not to only ever eat bread. But also, who the hell cares if you are fat? There are many worse things to be than fat – and one of those is judging other people on their weight, so if you just want to eat bread forever and ever, do it. In terms of vitamins and minerals, bread isn’t really top of the list, but in terms of quick and easy food that isn’t made by American billionaires and contains thousands of poisons, it’s up there. ‘Something’ on toast is the best damn meal in the world, and because you can freeze bread and then toast it, it’s super affordable.
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