Christmas Present Etiquette

The festive season is upon us! There are groups of school children dressed as donkeys and wise men, there are trees shedding needles over every living room floor, and the smell of mince pies drifts around the air like a thick fog. There’s even toasty fires all over the place…no seriously…get out of the Post Office, someone set it on fire!

With December 25th looming over us we have been gifted the joy of Christmas lights, the fear of coming into contact with itchy tinsel and, you know, actual gifts!

Forget warring families, forget retching on a sprout, the real problem with Christmas is overthinking your Christmas card or Christmas present list. I’ve complied a handy guide of Do’s and Don’ts to guide you through safely to the warm cocoon of 4pm on Christmas Day, 9 mulled wines in and full of potato.

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I Can’t Help Falling Out of Love With You

Recently I was sat in a tattoo studio holding someone’s hand and gazing around the room at all the designs, when I remembered when I had first wanted a tattoo. I was obsessed with Busted and Matt Willis had the outline of a star tattooed on his hand. I was convinced that if I had the same tattoo, we would one day meet and fate would take it’s course. Obviously there is nothing sexier to a person than somebody else with the exact same tattoo!

I sat there embarrassed at my own former self and watched as 4  people in the room added permanent artwork to their body that in several years time they might also look at thinking “I’m not that person anymore”.

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How to: Be a Morning Person

I hate birds. Like, really hate birds. They are constantly attacking me for no reason, and I’m sick of it. I cross the road when I see a bird in my way, whether it’s dead or alive because you never know which species will conquer death first. I get that pit-of-your-stomach-drop feeling even when I just see a video of a bird. Remember when that video of a man shouting at a bunch of turkeys went viral? That was torture for me. I really, really hate birds.

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Jealousy

Every Christmas time I would write a letter to Father Christmas. I would compile a list of the things I want to receive based on what toys I had seen kids at my school playing with, or what adverts on the TV contained the happiest looking kids. Every year I was disappointed with what I got because my sister looked to have received something better.

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7 Foods to Trick People Into Thinking You Know What You Are Doing

There will be moments in your adult life where people think it’s appropriate to rifle through your cupboards in order to find out more about your lifestyle and how close to death you might well be. These people tend to be visiting mothers, friends who keep mentioning how tired you look and overnight house guests searching for a form of breakfast that isn’t a Nutrigrain bar that you pulled out from under your bed.

Here are 7 items to keep your fridge and/or cupboard (do I look like I know how to store things? I keep Nutrigrains under my bed) stocked up with to trick those nosey little snoopers.

Vitamin Tablets: If something is worth doing, then it is worth cheating at, and vitamin tablets are a very effective cheat. Even better, it’s a great way of reliving your long-missed childhood by buying the chewable ones with cartoons on the front. You get to pretend you are still 6 years old, and get a great big dose of much needed vitamins. If you are a bit rubbish at making sure you remember to eat, or don’t even know how to cook vegetables, then this is a perfect fix.

Avocado: I believe avocado was once on a list of foods that make you live forever, or at least live for a bit longer, I’m not sure… I read a lot of lists. They are a bit horrible the first few times you try them, so don’t skip straight to the worldly treasure that is avocado on toast, unless you are planning to pile eggs and bacon and tomatoes on top of it. Avocados also come with a fun hidden danger, as you never quite know when they are ripe, it’s a bit like a game where the prize is a soft and tasty addition to your toast, and the penalty for losing means resorting to a vitamin tablet for breakfast again.

Potatoes: Potatoes are mad good for you. That’s why Matt Damon lived on them forever, whilst he lived on the moon or whatever happened in that weird film. Plus, at one of those weird weighing clubs where my friends all end up making themselves sad, they say you can eat them all day every day. Apparently, potatoes contain nearly all the nutrients you could ever even dream of needing, I’m fairly certain I read that in a story about a man who lived on just potatoes in Take-a-Break magazine. Potatoes are also super easy to make into something really tasty, like mash or baked potatoes…or vodka! So, don’t quote me on this or anything, but I’m fairly certain that if you are really rubbish at making dinner then vodka will do.

Eggs: It is a well-known fact that eggs benedict is the best food in the world, but poaching eggs is super hard, and though I have never attempted to make a hollandaise sauce, I bet that is pretty challenging, too. However, if you are feeling adventurous and don’t mind actually having to cook something, then eggs are crazily full of protein, which is apparently one of those things that you need to survive. Plus, if you really can’t get the hang of that cooking lark, then you can just claim you had always intended to have scrambled eggs and that’s why they look like that.

Bananas: When I was a kid I was told that all the bananas were going to die out in 5 years, so I started eating them religiously. They didn’t die out. I think it was possibly a ploy to get me to eat more of them, but since then, I have appreciated how great they are. Just one banana can fill you up and contains a whole bunch (ha, get it?) of potassium. However my friend Chloe used to swear blind that her friend’s uncle once ate eight bananas in a row and died. I used to argue that this couldn’t possibly be true, but I have always kept track of my banana intake just in case.

Also, whilst eating a banana in public, avoid eye contact.

Peas: If I could sit and eat just a bowl of garden peas for dinner, I would…well, actually, I am an adult, and I can (and quite often do) just eat a big bowl full of peas for dinner. So maybe all this, “it’s so tough being a grown up” stuff is a little bit over the top? I’m not entirely certain if they are considered a superfood or if they are even that good for you, but they are green and easy to keep in your freezer.

Bread: If you have seen the movie Scott Pilgrim vs the World, then you will know that bread makes you fat. So try not to only ever eat bread. But also, who the hell cares if you are fat? There are many worse things to be than fat – and one of those is judging other people on their weight, so if you just want to eat bread forever and ever, do it. In terms of vitamins and minerals, bread isn’t really top of the list, but in terms of quick and easy food that isn’t made by American billionaires and contains thousands of poisons, it’s up there. ‘Something’ on toast is the best damn meal in the world, and because you can freeze bread and then toast it, it’s super affordable.


If you’ve liked this and want to help support me writing more of this rubbish, my Patreon account can be found here: patreon.com/passableadult – There’s new rewards!!!

Montage

The pressure to find a life partner, get married, and eventually spawn some heathen offspring is intense when you are young. Family members will ask if you’ve got a boyfriend or girlfriend, work colleagues will offer to set you up on hideous blind dates, your friend’s partners will try and get you a hook up with their friend so that you stop gatecrashing dates. Then once you are in a relationship people will start questioning when you will get married, and if you might soon be posting a Facebook photo with tiny shoes that says “Coming Soon”.

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I Left My Umbrella On The Self Service Checkout Again

I didn’t go to Brownie’s or Guides. I was a bit of a sceptical little child and was convinced that it was some kind of cult and, honestly, I was scared that I would leave with a tattoo and an obligation to pay a cult leader forever. But I do believe that their motto was (or maybe it was one of those similar cults) ‘Always be Prepared’. So that is what this blog is about – being prepared.

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