You Won’t Make Friends if You Fart During Yoga

When I was very small I wasn’t really interested in making friends with children. I wanted to be read to, constantly, and most of my peers couldn’t read yet so I had to settle for grownups as friends. I was really good at making friends with those grownups, I would smile and ask nicely and look like a tiny lonely angel who just needed a quick little story. But that’s how you trap them. One quick little story would turn into spending all day at playgroup tricking people into reading to me.

I was quite content with my grownup pals.

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You Can’t Possibly Have Hopes And Dreams, You Moron!

If you want to be an adult then you are going to need to accept sooner or later that adults don’t get to have hopes and dreams, they get cars and mortgages, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently better.

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How to Lose a Job

I toyed with the idea of completely losing myself to cliche and calling this ‘How to Lose a Job in 10 Days” but I’m fairly confident that I can help you lose your job in much less than that.

In my 25 years of being alive I have held 9 jobs in total. In the ye olde olden days you had one job and that was it, you were strapped in for life. If I lived back then, my job probably would have been being dead. I have very few skills. I doubt I would have made it out of childbirth alive, and if I did, then I would certainly be one of those TB ridden, pale ghosts coughing up blood in the corner.

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Recipe: For Date Night

In the lead up to date night cooking, you need to take a few things into consideration. First up, establish whether or not the person coming round has any specialist dietary requirements. Whilst I have always been a great advocate of spending a quality, romantic five hours in A&E with the love of your life, it’s advisable to aim for a slightly sexier injury – like a sprained ankle – not a giant lobster face from an allergic reaction.

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How Are You?

Adults have this annoying habit of constantly asking people how they are. As passable adults it is likely that we ask this less because we know that the answers are far from straight forward, and we’ve yet to perfect that – Nod – Smile – “Great thanks”- thing that real adults do. There’s still a distinct sadness in our eyes that gives the game away and will force the asker to lengthen their R’s. “No, really, how arrrrreee you?”.

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How to be a Passable Adult in Public

I’m a visual learner. I learn best when I am watching others and copying, or by seeing how something works before I try. This is why I spend a great deal of time people watching, or more specifically, adult watching. I’m observing how the real adults are managing to keep their shit together so that I can copy them and replicate it in my own passable way.

You can often find adults lurking about in shopping centres, coffee shops and doctors surgeries. The best way to observe is from afar, however you may well know some adults that you can observe by becoming friends with them.

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The Importance of Pretending You are in a Music Video

There’s this American dude called Nathaniel Baldwin who, to be quite honest, should be on all of the American money. In 1910 he invented the first successful set of headphones and since then* people have been able to lock themselves away from the real world and be submerged in music.

*sort of…okay, since like whenever the Walkman was invented, which I can’t be arsed to research.

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