Pre Sleep Shame

There is a moment just before I drop off to sleep where the horrifying reality of my existence comes flooding back to me in a series of fairly painful flashbacks.

I assume that part of becoming an adult is learning to shut these memories out, or in the very least decrease the amount of cringeworthy encounters you have to in turn decrease the amount of content my cruel brain has to punish me with. As of now, I appear to only be increasing them.

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Recipe: Hangover Food

There are a couple of things to remember when you are cooking hungover: keep it carb based, include lots of salt, and if you think there is enough cheese you are wrong and should add more. If possible, aforementioned cheese needs to be melted. This is pretty much the same no matter what you have been drinking the night before, with the exception of whiskey because whiskey is an evil drink and you won’t be alive to cook.

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Recipe: For Date Night

In the lead up to date night cooking, you need to take a few things into consideration. First up, establish whether or not the person coming round has any specialist dietary requirements. Whilst I have always been a great advocate of spending a quality, romantic five hours in A&E with the love of your life, it’s advisable to aim for a slightly sexier injury – like a sprained ankle – not a giant lobster face from an allergic reaction.

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How Are You?

Adults have this annoying habit of constantly asking people how they are. As passable adults it is likely that we ask this less because we know that the answers are far from straight forward, and we’ve yet to perfect that – Nod – Smile – “Great thanks”- thing that real adults do. There’s still a distinct sadness in our eyes that gives the game away and will force the asker to lengthen their R’s. “No, really, how arrrrreee you?”.

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How to be a Passable Adult in Public

I’m a visual learner. I learn best when I am watching others and copying, or by seeing how something works before I try. This is why I spend a great deal of time people watching, or more specifically, adult watching. I’m observing how the real adults are managing to keep their shit together so that I can copy them and replicate it in my own passable way.

You can often find adults lurking about in shopping centres, coffee shops and doctors surgeries. The best way to observe is from afar, however you may well know some adults that you can observe by becoming friends with them.

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The Importance of Pretending You are in a Music Video

There’s this American dude called Nathaniel Baldwin who, to be quite honest, should be on all of the American money. In 1910 he invented the first successful set of headphones and since then* people have been able to lock themselves away from the real world and be submerged in music.

*sort of…okay, since like whenever the Walkman was invented, which I can’t be arsed to research.

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A List of Things You Should Spend Your Last Tenner on

It’s nearing the end of the month. The money you have earned from closing the tab containing your Twitter account every time your boss walks past is slowly running out. You have just enough packet noodles and Uncle Ben’s rice to last you until pay day when you can go out and spend a third of your money on M&S food, sambuca shots, and a dress that you think could change your life.

There is just £10 in your account. Your mother would tell you to keep it for emergencies, or maybe put it towards that hefty student overdraft you’ve still not paid off, or perhaps put it into your pension fund, or you could restart saving for a mortgage after you spent all that money ‘travelling’.

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