Christmas Present Etiquette

The festive season is upon us! There are groups of school children dressed as donkeys and wise men, there are trees shedding needles over every living room floor, and the smell of mince pies drifts around the air like a thick fog. There’s even toasty fires all over the place…no seriously…get out of the Post Office, someone set it on fire!

With December 25th looming over us we have been gifted the joy of Christmas lights, the fear of coming into contact with itchy tinsel and, you know, actual gifts!

Forget warring families, forget retching on a sprout, the real problem with Christmas is overthinking your Christmas card or Christmas present list. I’ve complied a handy guide of Do’s and Don’ts to guide you through safely to the warm cocoon of 4pm on Christmas Day, 9 mulled wines in and full of potato.

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Jealousy

Every Christmas time I would write a letter to Father Christmas. I would compile a list of the things I want to receive based on what toys I had seen kids at my school playing with, or what adverts on the TV contained the happiest looking kids. Every year I was disappointed with what I got because my sister looked to have received something better.

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I Left My Umbrella On The Self Service Checkout Again

I didn’t go to Brownie’s or Guides. I was a bit of a sceptical little child and was convinced that it was some kind of cult and, honestly, I was scared that I would leave with a tattoo and an obligation to pay a cult leader forever. But I do believe that their motto was (or maybe it was one of those similar cults) ‘Always be Prepared’. So that is what this blog is about – being prepared.

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Getting A Job – Part One

So minimum wage and living with your parents is getting old.

You’ve abandoned the idea that your job folding clothes and pretending to be nice to customers is just until your band takes off. No longer do you believe that stacking tins of dog food is just a way of funding you becoming a world famous artist. And coming home covered in grease and smelling of cod after 8 hours working in a fish and chip shop isn’t really furthering your acting career.

It’s time to get real. It’s time to earn enough to save for a mortgage and mundane package holidays. It’s time to get one of those jobs that you will tell people at your school reunion “It’s not thrilling but it pays the bills”.

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Recipe: Hangover Food

There are a couple of things to remember when you are cooking hungover: keep it carb based, include lots of salt, and if you think there is enough cheese you are wrong and should add more. If possible, aforementioned cheese needs to be melted. This is pretty much the same no matter what you have been drinking the night before, with the exception of whiskey because whiskey is an evil drink and you won’t be alive to cook.

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The Importance of Pretending You are in a Music Video

There’s this American dude called Nathaniel Baldwin who, to be quite honest, should be on all of the American money. In 1910 he invented the first successful set of headphones and since then* people have been able to lock themselves away from the real world and be submerged in music.

*sort of…okay, since like whenever the Walkman was invented, which I can’t be arsed to research.

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A List of Things You Should Spend Your Last Tenner on

It’s nearing the end of the month. The money you have earned from closing the tab containing your Twitter account every time your boss walks past is slowly running out. You have just enough packet noodles and Uncle Ben’s rice to last you until pay day when you can go out and spend a third of your money on M&S food, sambuca shots, and a dress that you think could change your life.

There is just £10 in your account. Your mother would tell you to keep it for emergencies, or maybe put it towards that hefty student overdraft you’ve still not paid off, or perhaps put it into your pension fund, or you could restart saving for a mortgage after you spent all that money ‘travelling’.

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