How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 3)

For part 1 click here.

For part 2 click here.

 

Obstacle 3: Who pays.

By far the most awkward part of any dinner, deciding who is footing the bill, whether you are splitting equally, or paying for exactly what you each had. As well as considering who you are with you should also consider what you ate. It’s really only cool to be the one suggesting an equal split if you had a side salad and water and the other person had a 18oz steak and a bottle of red. The other way round is a pisstake.

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How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 2)

Here is part 2 of your guide to eating dinner with other adults. For the first part, please click these words.

These words.

Obstacle 2: Conversation

The truly passable among us probably practise their conversations before they have them. This avoids awkward silences and strange, under pressure outbursts of madness. A few topics of conversation off the table in any given situation; UTIs, where you can buy acid strong enough to dissolve bones, loving UKIP, pubic hair topiary, racism (unless to condemn it) and Nicholas Cage films.

Here are a few things you can talk about,

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How to: Eat Dinner With Other Adults (Part 1)

The hope is that by your early 20’s the spoon/aeroplane method has taken full effect and you are now aware how to put food into your mouth, chew and swallow.

What we are not taught is how to go to Sainsburys regularly enough to make sure there is food in the house when you are hungover and unable to venture out into
the cold, blinding light of the day time. For this I totally blame the aeroplane method, I often look in my fridge, realise there is nothing there and leave it expecting something tasty to zoom through the sky and parachute into my kitchen and/or mouth.

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How to be Passably Cool

The idea of  The Cool Girl is not new. You have probably seen 3 different posts today on her non-existence, or that she is an idea that we create to just knock  women straight back down later on. We even have an entire film dedicated to the concept ooriginal-7595f her in the shape of Gone Girl. I’m not going to write about The Cool Girl today, partly because I don’t think that struggling with being cool is gender specific, but mostly because The Cool Girl is no longer cool.

What I am going to teach you is how to be passably cool, which is a concept based
around The Cool Girl, sort of…well only to the extent that being cool is a myth and is just basically faking it for a little bit and then hiding your really uncool parts from the prying eyes of others.

And what qualifies me for this? Am I cool? No. I’m absolutely the opposite of cool, but I do have a really uncool habit of staring at other people in the streets and I’ve witnessed what I believe to be cool behaviour. Either that or they are aliens or perhaps walking perfume adverts; which brings me on to our first step.

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10 Steps to Launching a New Blog

fgvxxvxmti8-andrew-neelI’ve been blogging for nearly four years now, in that time it has done a great job of launching my career as a failed, struggling, penniless journalist. It also helped me forge a beautifully short lived stint as a crap copywriter and I am hoping that this new blog it might assist in me becoming a mediocre, lampooned and much criticised book writerer.

This blog will be all about how to stumble through adult life, falling at every hurdle, but eventually face-planting the finish line mostly not dead. What better way to kick off than a 10 step guide to launching a really shitty blog?

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