I didn’t go to Brownie’s or Guides. I was a bit of a sceptical little child and was convinced that it was some kind of cult and, honestly, I was scared that I would leave with a tattoo and an obligation to pay a cult leader forever. But I do believe that their motto was (or maybe it was one of those similar cults) ‘Always be Prepared’. So that is what this blog is about – being prepared.
Part of growing up is finding who you are, it’s navigating the tricky path to find your spirit animal and to understand your inner child. It’s a beautiful journey of self discovery and choosing to be wonderfully, perfectly, happy. It’s clean eating, yoga, and drinking 4000 litres of water a day. You will never be a true grownup unless you wake up every morning and plaster a giant smile on your face from the minute your kale smoothie touches your lips.
Except that’s all bollocks.
I toyed with the idea of completely losing myself to cliche and calling this ‘How to Lose a Job in 10 Days” but I’m fairly confident that I can help you lose your job in much less than that.
In my 25 years of being alive I have held 9 jobs in total. In the ye olde olden days you had one job and that was it, you were strapped in for life. If I lived back then, my job probably would have been being dead. I have very few skills. I doubt I would have made it out of childbirth alive, and if I did, then I would certainly be one of those TB ridden, pale ghosts coughing up blood in the corner.
So minimum wage and living with your parents is getting old.
You’ve abandoned the idea that your job folding clothes and pretending to be nice to customers is just until your band takes off. No longer do you believe that stacking tins of dog food is just a way of funding you becoming a world famous artist. And coming home covered in grease and smelling of cod after 8 hours working in a fish and chip shop isn’t really furthering your acting career.
It’s time to get real. It’s time to earn enough to save for a mortgage and mundane package holidays. It’s time to get one of those jobs that you will tell people at your school reunion “It’s not thrilling but it pays the bills”.
Navigating the world of work is a tricky task, and not only because you need to find new and inventive ways of hiding the fact that you have spent all day on Twitter and playing solitaire. Going to work is primarily difficult because the people you meet at work are a baffling mix of people that shouldn’t actually be allowed in society, people you would never think of mixing with in real life, and people you will fall utterly in love with and never let leave your life.
Here are a few of those people:
There are a couple of things to remember when you are cooking hungover: keep it carb based, include lots of salt, and if you think there is enough cheese you are wrong and should add more. If possible, aforementioned cheese needs to be melted. This is pretty much the same no matter what you have been drinking the night before, with the exception of whiskey because whiskey is an evil drink and you won’t be alive to cook.
Whether you are one of those fantastically accomplished adults or you are so passable that you are hanging on to your adult card by the skin of your teeth, there are some situations that are just never going to be comfortable, even if you pretend really really hard that you’re cool with it.