The pressure to find a life partner, get married, and eventually spawn some heathen offspring is intense when you are young. Family members will ask if you’ve got a boyfriend or girlfriend, work colleagues will offer to set you up on hideous blind dates, your friend’s partners will try and get you a hook up with their friend so that you stop gatecrashing dates. Then once you are in a relationship people will start questioning when you will get married, and if you might soon be posting a Facebook photo with tiny shoes that says “Coming Soon”.
I toyed with the idea of completely losing myself to cliche and calling this ‘How to Lose a Job in 10 Days” but I’m fairly confident that I can help you lose your job in much less than that.
In my 25 years of being alive I have held 9 jobs in total. In the ye olde olden days you had one job and that was it, you were strapped in for life. If I lived back then, my job probably would have been being dead. I have very few skills. I doubt I would have made it out of childbirth alive, and if I did, then I would certainly be one of those TB ridden, pale ghosts coughing up blood in the corner.
Once you have mastered your CV and filled it with unpaid work that has broken your soul, and you have spent three months applying for 1000 jobs, you may actually land yourself an interview.
Interviews are the worst of all human inventions. You spend hours beforehand preparing lies about how the job as an Associate to the Executive Manager of Marketeering and Conservation efforts for a funeral home is the role of your dreams, and how you would be honoured to take up the mantle. You will also have to wear your most uncomfortable clothes and shoes, because apparently experiencing physical pain from clothing demonstrates your willingness and eagerness to get the job.
Navigating the world of work is a tricky task, and not only because you need to find new and inventive ways of hiding the fact that you have spent all day on Twitter and playing solitaire. Going to work is primarily difficult because the people you meet at work are a baffling mix of people that shouldn’t actually be allowed in society, people you would never think of mixing with in real life, and people you will fall utterly in love with and never let leave your life.
Here are a few of those people:
If there is one thing that will destroy your self esteem once and for all it is being thrown back into your old single bed in your parents house after living independently for a few years.
The mattress that was so hard to leave during the mornings of your teenage years now feels lumpy and uncomfortable, even though you’ve been living in cheaply furnished rented accommodation in far more uncomfortable beds. But still with every toss and turn you feel that jolt of fear as you nearly fall off the side for the fourth time that night.