I hate birds. Like, really hate birds. They are constantly attacking me for no reason, and I’m sick of it. I cross the road when I see a bird in my way, whether it’s dead or alive because you never know which species will conquer death first. I get that pit-of-your-stomach-drop feeling even when I just see a video of a bird. Remember when that video of a man shouting at a bunch of turkeys went viral? That was torture for me. I really, really hate birds.
The pressure to find a life partner, get married, and eventually spawn some heathen offspring is intense when you are young. Family members will ask if you’ve got a boyfriend or girlfriend, work colleagues will offer to set you up on hideous blind dates, your friend’s partners will try and get you a hook up with their friend so that you stop gatecrashing dates. Then once you are in a relationship people will start questioning when you will get married, and if you might soon be posting a Facebook photo with tiny shoes that says “Coming Soon”.
I toyed with the idea of completely losing myself to cliche and calling this ‘How to Lose a Job in 10 Days” but I’m fairly confident that I can help you lose your job in much less than that.
In my 25 years of being alive I have held 9 jobs in total. In the ye olde olden days you had one job and that was it, you were strapped in for life. If I lived back then, my job probably would have been being dead. I have very few skills. I doubt I would have made it out of childbirth alive, and if I did, then I would certainly be one of those TB ridden, pale ghosts coughing up blood in the corner.
So minimum wage and living with your parents is getting old.
You’ve abandoned the idea that your job folding clothes and pretending to be nice to customers is just until your band takes off. No longer do you believe that stacking tins of dog food is just a way of funding you becoming a world famous artist. And coming home covered in grease and smelling of cod after 8 hours working in a fish and chip shop isn’t really furthering your acting career.
It’s time to get real. It’s time to earn enough to save for a mortgage and mundane package holidays. It’s time to get one of those jobs that you will tell people at your school reunion “It’s not thrilling but it pays the bills”.
Navigating the world of work is a tricky task, and not only because you need to find new and inventive ways of hiding the fact that you have spent all day on Twitter and playing solitaire. Going to work is primarily difficult because the people you meet at work are a baffling mix of people that shouldn’t actually be allowed in society, people you would never think of mixing with in real life, and people you will fall utterly in love with and never let leave your life.
Here are a few of those people: